Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
