I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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