Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
