You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
