dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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