I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
