I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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