just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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