why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
