I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
