The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
