My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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