sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
two words...techno handjob
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
