I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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