after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
