Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
