I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
