I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
