Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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