i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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