Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize