the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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