This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize