You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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