Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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