Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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