I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
