so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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