theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize