You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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