I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
