i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
