I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
