You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
