saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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