apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
