I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Randomize
