3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
