Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
