It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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