Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
