MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
