why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need to stop coming to work sober
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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