My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
