I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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