made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
