i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize