Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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