Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
