a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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