bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
