I skipped work to stalk him.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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