Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
