I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
