Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
